As I laid in bed, curled between the pillows and the covers, garbage can recently dumped of vomit; it felt like a never ending cycle. I am too weak to get up, to drink or eat - my ‘meals’ are delivered to my bedside. My body tells me I’m hungry, but as soon as the applesauce arrives I vomit. The thought, the smell, the idea of eating has me clutching that bagless garbage can by my bedside for dear life as I hurl up bile. I have nothing left - no energy, no food in my stomach - and my mind heads to a dark place. I feel guilty for even thinking about terminating this pregnancy; a pregnancy I prayed for after two miscarriages. But how could God punish me like this?

 As the weeks progressed, I lost weight and started to feel depressed and alone. It was hard to articulate to my husband my feelings as I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t even realize at the time how difficult this was for him as well. He poured all of his energy into making me happy - cooking, cleaning, ordering food, running baths and holding me up as we took walks. He was a source of constant encouragement and tried his best to keep me motivated. He researched remedies online and spoke to friends and relatives hoping to find the answer that would help me be ‘me’ again. Early on, our fridge was packed full of home-cooked meals and Seamless orders which would go uneaten since I just couldn’t bear it.

I was in and out of Emergency Rooms, hooked up to IVs - Reglan and ZoFran drips - we kept hearing ‘this is NORMAL’ and ‘this is just how pregnancy is sometimes’. How can this be possible? Of course we knew of ‘morning sickness’ but I’d never heard of women feeling quite like this. I was told frequently that illness fades away after the first trimester and then you really get to enjoy your pregnancy. Where was my joy? I was desperately awaiting the joyous moments of my pregnancy, each day clinging to the smallest moments of happiness I could find. Hearing MAK’s heartbeat for the first time, opening the gender reveal envelope on our honeymoon (and baby moon) in Greece, being so happy to be having a little boy. My heart lit up with every sonogram and update, feeling first kicks and then many thereafter. As a dance teacher, I do believe he got those from his Mama. But each joyous moment was overshadowed by what I now know to be Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

 But what is Hyperemesis Gravidarum (or HG)? It was not the ‘queasiness’ or ‘morning sickness’ that many self-diagnosed me with so frequently. Thanks to a family nurse I confided in and an amazing midwife I met along this journey, we found out that HG is a serious pregnancy condition. It causes severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss, fatigue and dehydration. And while some of those symptoms can be part of a ‘normal’ pregnancy, we learned that when they become unbearable - your pregnancy is not normal. HG can continue throughout the duration of pregnancies, stealing that joy and excitement - and even damaging the anticipated bond between mother and baby.

Here we were. Far past the first trimester and I didn’t feel any relief. I looked forward to soaking in the tub and sometimes contemplated turning the water as hot as I could stand as I’d heard this could terminate your pregnancy. I was gripped by depression and if it hadn’t been for my husband and switching to a midwife - finally, someone who listened to me - I don’t think we would have made it. But please don’t let that scare you. I didn’t give up and eventually, my joy did indeed return. I’ll tell you exactly how we got there.

• Care. Transitioning from the aforementioned misery to feeling joyful and healthy can be heavily attributed to finding a midwife. I have to mention that I was previously being treated at a practice that just did not listen to me. I felt like I was constantly repeating myself, thoroughly explaining how I felt and what I needed, and to no avail. It is so incredibly important to find a doula / midwife / or doctor that you trust, who listens to your concerns and who can provide you with options and solutions. Your ‘team’ should be thoroughly invested in your joy and fighting for you to have both a happy and healthy pregnancy.

• Early Treatment. HG is a serious medical condition and should be treated as such, different from your usual ‘morning sickness’ kept at bay by Saltines and Ginger ale. My midwife suggested that I start every morning off with a Carnation Breakfast Essential Drink (chocolate since I mentioned being able to keep down some hot chocolate earlier in my pregnancy) to begin the day nutrient-rich. Following that was a rotation of three pills (Pepcid, Raglan and Unisom) to help with the nausea and vomiting. Sure enough, it started to work and after a few weeks I felt stronger and happier than I had in a while - and was even able to teach my high school dancers without vomiting during and in between classes.

But as my little bean grew, so did the symptoms of my condition and my regimen wasn’t enough to keep me out of the Emergency Room. I was transferred to a new doctor highly recommended by my midwife and found myself back in the hospital… again. This time instead of the hospital down the street, I remember urging my husband to travel to my new doctor’s hospital instead. We live in Brooklyn, it was close to 11 PM and we were both exhausted but we made the trek into the city because they were determined to find the best solution to managing my HG. This pregnancy was truly starting to take its toll on both my husband and myself and just when we thought it may never get better…

• Serious Treatment. Hello ZOFRAN! You my friend allllllll the way to the end! Zofran is a strong antiemetic that helps prevent and treat intense nausea and vomiting. Taking it every 4 hours - along with Reglan every 6 hours - changed the pregnancy game. Hello food! Hello weight gain! HELLO JOY!

• Consistency. It’s so important to stay on top of your care and your treatment. I used the Medisafe app to keep me on track with my medications and maintain feeling good. 

By the end of the fifth month of pregnancy, I was asked to start weaning myself off of Reglan and by the end of month six, the Zofran as well. My doctor and I agreed that we wanted to try and avoid my being on medication throughout my entire pregnancy; though I was thankful it was working and was assured side effects were minimal (if any), I was still concerned. So, by month eight, I was down to two Zofran a day with only occasional morning sickness.

They say once your baby is born, all that you went through is forgotten and you become consumed with the overwhelming feeling of joy that comes from holding your little one. MAK was born at 35 weeks gestation due to preeclampsia (we’ll discuss this another day) and I remember thinking ‘God, people were so right’. The moment he was born and I heard his little cry, those months of sadness were swept away and I was filled with the joy I felt I’d lost.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum has not been researched enough to understand the complexity of its storm. Doctors aren’t certain why it happens or how long it will last - and for women suffering, it can be a long and discouraging road. HG continued for me throughout the duration of my pregnancy, up until MAK was delivered via C-section.

As a Black woman, finding a care provider (whether it be a doula, midwife or doctor) you trust is key. Black women often go unheard, especially when it comes to something not feeling right with our own bodies. Mortality rates for Black women and their babies are the highest among all women in the United States as racial bias is alive and well in the medical community. Trust your intuition and your body if you feel like you aren’t getting adequate care or your needs aren’t being addressed.

 Take it one day at a time. Set achievable goals for yourself. Don’t dismiss your feelings or guilt. Speak up for yourself. And remember to surround yourself with partners, friends and loved ones that support and encourage you along this journey. Make sure that they listen to you and speak love into you. You will get through this, and come out stronger.

Happy Mommying!

-Britt